your dream

your dream is not covered by snow, but by monkey business, you see what comes out through the ordering of drawing a line, your dream is not coloured. give me the finest paper to write what my eye sees as golden hued sound scape, my ink leaks blood red coagulated words. the dripping tears blot out cohesion caused by your switchblade symphony orchestration. gather around and hear the church bells ring, the angels sing in harmonious wails. the pistol, the poison, the knife, i have chosen my instrument as the black plot thickens all around my brain.

dark red skies where demons fly, here comes the dark salvation, here comes the dark one with her cane, look how she burns the little child, you are doomed until she changes your will, the others burn. you know you're not the only one, that comes crashing down, bleeding. all your life not believing, heavens gate came crashing down, so afraid to open your eyes, you're not the only one. your eyesight, you don't deserve. all my life i've been waiting, not believing. don't look down, can't hold onto the feeling, all unreal, all too real. cyanide, acrid fumes, this is your brain, this is your flesh, when it hurts, it hurts. only screams are heard in the burning ruin, your flesh burns in my arms, it is pure fuel that i hide. let me do what i do best, teach you the darkness, nowhere to run or hide.

sleigh bell betrayal, this is what my heart sings, it is in my soul, demanding it all, this is my body, crystal clear, crystal clear. ready for bitches like you, ready for bitches like you, this is what my body needs, this is how my body feeds. snowflake driven blurred vision, blinding my one eye, burning whiteout desire, fury. something is broken, something is swollen, something more than just another girl, can i trust you, but i don't want to. i will swallow, but it won't go down, i will come back to haunt you, i can't swallow. you think this torment is romantic, sinking slowly, well it isn't. the bile, i will swallow, i don't want to. the sea level goes down, i drown.

copyright, 2009, terri l.gillentine, all rights reserved

liquid

liquid dripping metallic eyes shifting

in hollowed sockets,

it is your nightmares, i dream.

screams caught on the shifting dune, maelstrom

sifted terror.

your body blocks contact made from pure

after shock tremors,

techtonic shift.

magnetic quake reverberates

horror.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

tonight

inferno dreams are quieted by the chill brought on by the night,

a funeral procession passes by my window, i fail to find comfort

in your pale, cold eyes.

you hang there dying, off me.

the weight of your body brings me down to dirt,

i cradle your remains, this moment for the keeping.

just like a dying victim, you wheeze a burning stare,

and i am jolted awake.

the oozing puss of your mind infects my skin, and i simply move away.

a great roaring of tears pouring has frozen my heart forever.

uteri carnivore teeth, gnashing on my flesh, teeth of an extinct

lover splashes excrement on blood stained walls.

your aquamarine heart pours anguished cries, wailing, hissing and writhes,

crushed under my boot strapped bloody feet.

you sponge up the meaty remains into your amputated appendages,

ambient light stationed illuminated horrible hour.

collapsing ozone, everything implodes inside your grief stained

confessional, stinks of putrifying corpses, distraught guilt ruptures.

crotchless businessmen slither into childrens groins, feeding upon

leaking bodies that rupture the night sky, you should have saved us all.

terror bleeds, i grieve with the shame of baby doll eyes, hollow

skulls rapturous dark angels flying on burning wings.

silent flight, dawn draws near, curse the light, tonight.

kiss the tears, follow the wind, replacing fears,

black empty world populated by munching bovine.

embrace the succubus, and crush the falling stars, greasy underworld

filled with bloated hook billed birds grazing on  pieces of flesh.

buckets of bones gnawed on by our ancestors, fingerbones of little girls,

pubic bones of little boys, toothless grins smile.

tongues flicker poison, in & out; out, placenta moist pink,

vibrates with dusty disease, decayed hallucination, agony. 

eyes shiver, you better stay inside, intact organs splayed on

clotheslines, blow in an evil breeze.

howling winds blow, beneath chromosomes embedded in your kitchen

freezer, wrapped plastic futility running on gasoline decay.

scented dryer sheets perfumed by gaping, severed vaginas,
swollen and dessicated,

redundant, raped by fists full of virginal faces.

shivering scrotums manufacture oily tinctures, greasy emptiness,
 this is heavens eternal drama, sacrificed on blood,

visceral dismantling.

sweat bleeds on the boots of surgeons, autopsied animals feed

on their own decay, heat mirage emptied of all meaning.
we move through dark heat, hurl your divided heart onto
the black desert floor, softened by the flesh of my rotting corpse.
incinerate consciousness, strangle your erotic death,
orgasmic monster screams, fetal twilight blooms spasm.human 
blood smeared secretions flow through hammer nailed penis wounds,
drip, with time, not yours, but mine.
black footprints excrete delicious silent bodies, born again.

decomposing mammaries rain bleached pricks of ice, mixed human remains

fall from the sky like bricks, the celebration echos murdered laughter,

tonight.

human waste, all this dark matter, washed down with a beer.
punctured shriveled eyes devour this piss stained mirage,
crouching amongst the dead things, where charcoal stained
adrenaline fuels refineries, belching out what love remained.
gulped down sweat stains washes down your spine,
a black rock is tethered to your heart.
mirrored reflections rejoice in slaughtered memories
repeated like so many mantras disabused.
your face, you don't want to see, emptiness,
loneliness, shivering disconnection,
tonight.
copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

i feel

i feel so high,
i feel that i just might jump right out of my skin,
why not just jump right in?
the need of someone to love,
the need of someone to take care,
the freshness of clean air.
the want of a soul to cradle.

finding one just right,
the feeling felt tight.
unloosened by the morning light,
a feeling felt so right,
illuminated by the moonlight.

she is brightened
by the breaking dawn,
this is one lit by light.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

crucifying jesus

i am crucifying jesus, and banging in the nails

  i'm crucifying jesus, and banging in the nails


it lives in the dark, something, in the dark, it lives, in the dark. something is living in the darkened recesses of my mind, yet unborn, but not yet unseen. it lives here in the corners, adjacent to memory banks, flowing on datastreams. this monster claws with kicks and screams,  this monster taunts my waking dreams.


          you don't even know me.           there are things about me.           you don't even know me.

this is the song my little monster sings, at the top of her unformed lungs, she screams. how does she stay alive? hot dogs milk shakes burgers tacos and fries pizza toppings root beer thighs. little peals of laughter ring out from my brain, you are now corpse remains.

slaughter house scraps, meat food packing appendages slip, maelstrom wind swept dream. tendons stripped from blood splattered walls and floors,

                           who is reading the menu with vacant eye sockets,  we all look bored.

drive-thru happy meal sack, down the asphalt orifice paved street. frozen tundra, landlocked mind feed, still has secrets to be born. silence is the greatest violence, my creature echoes with laughter. spinning little dervish, wicked little sprite, let me tuck you in.  your last night reeks of carnage.

she goes dead with eye blinking rage, her naked corpse stretches across the desert floor, cacti agave saguaro grasses. yawning caverns dislodged desire beaten by sandstorms of a gloomy haze. genitalia swallow the mountains in gulping desperate groans, intestinal fortitude and anguished pangs loom. laughing,giant beads of  sweat roll off her forehead, her skin peels back to reveal euphoric coffee stained teeth. 

                                      deliver us, your barren womb fertilized with mud and clay. 
                                    when you went away, i cried for so long, i wanted you to stay.

but that was so wrong. you burnt out a hole where love used to be.

known placental cadavers hang from meat hooks, i'll never leave you. come here little girl, get into the car. come here little girl, it's a brand new hummer, i'll be with you, i'll be there, i'll never leave you. aztecs navajos commanche sioux spirits soar on their backs with splattered gore. your blood stalks the cosmos, it paints the stars red, like you, i am gone. sinew, tendon, flesh, blood, and bone drip into love. sacrificial matter emptied of all meaning of whatever her name was.

                                                                i want to know,
                                                                do i stay or go,
                                                             and try another time. 
                                                            this.  is.  not.  the.  time. 
                                            
                                                     do i really grasp the underpinnings? 
                                                       
                                                          i'm not so very far behind.

demonic boot laced thigh high stiletto ruptured heart, eyelet pierced pubic bone strung taut, or whatever lies beneath that place. structured cheek bones break expressionless neon dream; flashing open, no vacancy. hair - bathed in the essence of lover's broken boned bodies, attacked. pulsating intellect thrashing along the shore. tongues lick the bootlace wrapped around the neck, bones pile up from chainsaw buzzed tsunami. drowning in an undertow to have your heart removed, ventrical ecstatic, velvet flesh pulverized. consuming flesh putrid remains swallowed stench, shitting eyes hollowed skulls slack jawed baby dolls drool vaporous gas. blow-up dolls swell in the blistering sun, swollen breasts vacant sex escaping air. left nipple bitten clean off, plastic tendril seepage leaks.

she walks through broken asphalt cracked dreams with reptile eyes, snake skin scaled fantasy, sucked dry. thread bare tattered rags, one string left to pull, from withered genitalia milked day after day. crags fissure open wide, big gulp slurpy cup rivers dammed burst free on dark, dead end streets.
                                                    
                                                     that is where we always meet.
                                                     if we should meet, walk on by?


 i'm crucifying jesus, and banging in the nails.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

ophelia

take my lips,

sew up my eyes,

you took my heart,

so why not take all of me?

i saw you in the dark,

you were sleeping.

i feel your tongue in my mouth.

i feel your arms in mine, remembering,

 i swallow.

i love you more than my mind.

i can't remember my name,

 you live through me.

i can't remember your name,

you live through me.

you see through me,

you're singing.

i can't remember the word,

but i love you.

tired eyes are burning,

remember the soul inside me.

the patterns that you create,

they go swirling.

love is blind.

this place i call home,

our home.

our dream, i feel you.

ophelia

her dress was pale green,

dream, dreamer,

the nightmare is now.

dream inside the pale moonlight,

the wind blew in time.

there she closed her eye's against

all the thing's she's seen

in the past.

dream, dream,

of the white night's from the past.

dream, dreamer.
ophelia.

your heart is raised of the cosmos.
 your blood it spills upon the stars.
 i weep for you, drunken, with the liquid
 of your emptiness.

like you, i am gone.
like you, i am gone.  like you, i am gone.
we wash it out with absinthe,
we flush it out with rushes.

we're on the ground,

we're on our knees,
still the band plays on.

much too old, and much too drunk,

to hold a conversation.

waving through the crack,

that was my heart,

ophelia.

the ocean cried when she left her shores.

the stars threw themselves upon the

earth when she left the night.

blood lust on the milky way.

no heart, no heart, beats tonight.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

dungeon

in her dungeon

she will take you

you will follow

if you dare

to taste her fury

the fire that tames you

she'll take your treasure

and leave you bare

the rack stretches

your limbs so tautly

+ leaves you hanging

while she prepares

the torture you have

sought so plainly

in love-struck wonder

only she can share

the torture starts

with instruments of leisure

from cats + whips

to crops + canes

your howling thrashes

leave you exhausted

trapped in a long journey

to a far-off place

that you never

knew existed

in glowing embers

of her strong embrace

scarred + bruised,

she takes you gently

with tender kisses

on your tear-stained face

and you are hers

and you are breathless

in loving romance

of love's sweet grace.

for IDEXA and terri

jaimie

november, 1993

demand

i demand you return all the love i gave to you. how can i take a love and find maturity? i loved you so desperately, i believed your every word. you have taken my heart and fed it to snakes. this girl who sleeps in the garden, a shallow grave. wearing my own hopes as your disguise. you burn your wing on the sun in my eyes. you deserve nothing from me anymore. you are a naked savage, your body is black and blue, i gave you my promise, i will always be true. the viscious violent heat, let me soothe your savage breed. laughing and dancing on tattered dreams, kiss and scream. enter the darkness, spinning 'round crazy, animal crazy. hunger, through the viscious violent heat, kiss and caress your savage breed. torn and ravaged, spinning around in circles, the savage.

come punish me softly, kiss the hand where the angels tread. scream in the darkness. the howling of the savage, infernal beast, ruptures the quiet night. you mean everything to me, my favorite girl. you feel so real, take a ride on saturn, dreams start to die before the breaking dawn. never belong to you, you don't mean anything, you feel so real. your dreams die before they can take flight. a thousand million miles, still you will be here in my heart. if we could float away on our dreams, the seeker, scented air, whisper. lying on our backs gazing up at the stars, we wonder where we will meet again. crushed in the sun, still, here in my heart.

the holy city breathes, we move with hopeful tears of the blind. we're walking to the promise land, my fingers cut open on the stone, i suffer. waiting. through broken streets that drew me in, walk with me to the promise land. we are guilty by association with the ones' of the night, she starts to smell, smell like her mother. she smells like her sister, she smells like her lover, she starts to smile like a reptile. tear out my heart, blood pumping. tear out the wire from your brain. eating through my brains, pulsating, tissue slips. tear out the stomach, a reaction to the chaos you create. pulsating, the room vibrates, synthetic plastic screams. the beating of your heart, forever is the struggle, forever is the day.

why do you never answer the phone, does it sing caller unknown? i got a feeling you are painting children in death and decay. do you ever answer the phone, is it me, or does it seem you left it at home? taking pictures up in the cemetery. tell me, why do you never answer the phone? telling you to run and hide, too early in the day for talking, maybe you left to get provisions. your back is against the light, with your face inside their lies. strung out. with this light, i cannot see you. it has changed in ways, he doesn't hear, ecstatic jesus. you cannot see, feral people, inside of me. i am lonesome tonight. where is the moon tonight, it is so quiet. hear me now. is there any hope? hear me now. he wants to take my hope away. real salvation. look what he has done. ecstatic jesus, with your back against his life, with your face inside his lies.

i believed in what you had to say, my heart will never turn away. i'm in constant delight, she's burning his eyes. give us your guns, walk away. i'm killing the pattern, like a holy grail, walk away. give me your eyes, so that you'll see. static disease, the beast needs to feed, walk away. darkness falls on putrid decay. your flesh has been masticated, tenderness. darkness falls into my world. you know. my heart. you know, my heart, it breaks. children falling, release yourself, into the great unknown. darkness falls into our world, hear my soul, take my love. relieve yourself on burning decay. take a chance, come what may. we won't know unless we try.

rage at the day, forget those that walk around you. remember those that walk among you. do you hear the voices that call out to you? breathe through the day, exhale through the night's crushing weight. do you feel the heart that surrounds you? malaise, reveal your fear, circumnavigate the starry night. breathe the fear, don't walk away from the love that surrounds you. forget yourself.
silent scream, i hear the echo. tomorrow, just fade away, the sun explodes, destroying everything. we will find our way, we are light, fading past our plight. what happens, will we just fade away? will we all just fade away? it is a lovely sort of death, innocent of dying, a painful sickness. i melted in the bedroom, in the quicksand of your love. it takes you and never can let go. never let go. a lovely sort of death. your love vexes me. organic movement, take my hand, look up. wake up. another time, much younger and prettier then. i am the queen, you fell upon my soul. you send chills up my spine, a love come true, with your switchblade mind. look up. i wonder what time would be the right time, the patience. you seem so estranged, so we walk away, with every touch. breathe in. i take you in, here. your crimson lips caress my tongue. you tingle me, you slit my wrists and watch me bleed. in your heart, you sigh. your halo still shines. specify your desire, you need me, indecision, take it on. you are crimson. i breathe you. sigh. sigh. your halo still shines. say the word and i will be there, specify, i'll be right here. i breathe you in, breathe in. breathe. breathe me in. you're right here inside my head, you have captured my heart, breathe it in.

a tragedy, it felt like a symphony. 'cause we're afraid, not afraid of you. these dreams of you are a lovely war. the face you see, it belongs to me, don't you understand, i'm doing the best i can to make you smile, again. what will they do when that's all through? just to let you know that we're in pain. why don't you understand? just to make you smile, just to make you smile, again. i don't need sympathy or apologies. nocturnal emissions. i have lived this distortion. you are nowhere standing still. i was standing still, but the ground beneath me was moving, evaporating in a haze. i closed my eyes, my brain in a liquid daze, light, light, light. it is calling us before the fire, melting plastic, acrid air. on a mission. omission. indecision. there are no missionary positions, placed on all fours. assume. i need you!
copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

fall, the chosen

i'm not sure what you mean, you're supposed to be unbreakable. i bet you never knew, i bet you never knew. crazy little mixed up kid, in my little round and round. you're supposed to be unbreakable. i'm not trying to give you all of me, just some of me. bet you never knew what i could do to two. friendly fire, puffs of stagnant smoke, belching from the cinder of my soul. black and white, dead as hell, you want to shake it up? shake it up in my one dead eye. you want to shake your eye? photo montage. camera obscured vision, shake it up. i know this girl, i know this woman, i know more than she thinks i know. blow my speakers' up, tonight i won't stop until i see the sunlight. ain't got no money in my pocket, boy tryin' to touch my junk, make him stop if he get too drunk. turn the speakers up. you fill me up, you break me down, my heart it pounds and you got me. put your hands up. tick, tock, tonight i'm gonna fight 'til the sun comes up. ain't got no love for the dead.

my mind depends on dope, i tell myself, cocktail, cocktail. oh, oh, oh. don't wake the sleeping children from their dreams, dreaming of nightmares. i'll go and see if he is still here, let me lace my shoelaces. up on the roof top, out into the starry night. my heart is breaking, out of my bloody pants, when your heart is broken. i will never get over, you. suffering silence brings on cardiac violence. my heart is breaking, out of my groggy plans, when your tears are frozen, when your heart is broken. come over the dancing has just begun on what remains. standing in the broken line, aren't you choking on your lies? your perfect lies, standing in the broken line. aren't you choking on your lies? all the angels fear feeling your pain. here we go again, here we go again, here we go again. he slipped down the tube, he slipped from behind the gate, with the color's passing by. sinking into unreal, abstract, he made the choice to never turn back. what now. what come's next? still on his trip to the beat of the clock, all of the while. with his blue glass eye, he made the choice. on the other side of the glass, how long can this canvas last. let's tell the story of the prince of the mourning sun.

when i died on the earth alone, i was the prince, the chosen one. heaven, the master race, i am the nephilim, we are fallen, like the mourning sun. we are fallen, like the mourning sun. wishing you would pass away, this is the dawn of a new race. we didn't fall from heaven, we didn't fall for you, we are fallen. it is dark, i am the darkness, i am the night. now, now, now, begin. we are the chosen, we are fallen, like the mourning sun. i was humbled in my rage, i was awoken from slumber within my cage. born to wander throughout the night, given domain over this pathetic race. my back is on fire as my spine sprouts wings, my brain is burning as horn's bore through perfect flesh. the very first time i touched my skin, i thought of a story, and rushed to the end too soon.  oh please, don't ever change. how could i forget your name? another perfect slumber, sleeping children still dreaming. step over the carnage, step over the bones.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

fall

your creature falls, falls all around me. beware, beware. sing this song, the day rises all around me, i imbue you with wings when you're not strong. if you're scared, beware. all your sick angels fall around me. beware, beware. sick angels fall, fall all around me. i am leaking, can you stop up my hole's? i can smell you from three miles away. i will chew on your face. unscented flowers adorn her hair, as she lie's on her back with her feet pressing on the door. she is keeping the door from being cracked open, once more, no one can come, no one can go. all exit is hopeless. bundle up your dessicated flesh in what rag's remain on the floor. can i touch you? can anyone touch you? you pray for daybreak, i pray for nightfall. elusive stranger hear the ring of the bell, don't mistake it for the death knell. listening to bloody dead and sexy...

the sand is in my eyes, the dirt is in my mouth, the maggots squirm in my throat as the vapors rise from within. bite your tongue, swallow your pride, the struggle, the battle, is about to begin. the aftertaste of sick brains in the revolution located in the catacombs of kittens, at the funeral of all my best friends. forever in a struggle, forever is the day. save your breath, forget my body, forget my dream, i'm far away. raised on the essence of lost souls. i lost the dreamer, i forget how to cry, fire away, let me outside. raised on the screams of lost souls. forget my body, forget my dream, i'm far away, i'm far away. the cemetery girls frolic among the monument left to the living. i have lost the occasion to remember what was forgotten. i have lost, i have lust. far removed from death, i still exist, i still exist. madness, madness has replaced the sadness.
we are not the same, we are not the same, this land was once of the sea. we once were the chosen race. why must you persist? you are so incompetent, you and i are not to blame. blame, blame, to blame, to blame. plastic baby doll eyes swing open on the hinges in their hollowed out heads, staring, staring, staring. swing open, swing shut, shutters blindly thinking. the alien sex fiend walks the line between good and evil, this apple's rotten to the core. get up off your knees, get down, get down, on the floor. i walk the line, my business is a little cloak and dagger. i don't walk, i stagger, you wouldn't listen and i don't blame ya. i walk the line between good and evil. i walk the line. you see nothing, i hear footsteps, there's nothing there.  the apple is rotten to the core. i hear you, i spin around, but there's nothing there. it's all over. don't go. don't go near the trees, no. don't go near the trees, no. you are my watcher. i hear you.
the cannibal queen is feeding on the desire of your youth, rolling it around on her split level tongue. the chanting grows louder, perhaps, we weren't far enough away. it makes my heart begin to beat again, we'll stand in a different profile, and when we move, we'll move in time. pictures in time that will move back again. we'll stand in a different light that begins to fall, and when we talk, we'll talk in time. when we move, we'll move in time, in pictures that will be in profile. the light starts to fall around us now, and when we talk again, we'll shine, and when we move, we'll move in time. broken teeth start to crumble. nothing has changed. everything you touch becomes filthy, in the concentration camp of your heart. everything has change, nothing has changed. i feel guilty.
he was blinking his one eye, running down the tunnels, the colors passing by. running through the tunnels. staring at the putrid, dripping walls, you made your choice to never turn back. what come's next? i'm still fixated, unreal, you made the choice to never turn back. how long can this silence last? for me it was eleven hours. the mad hatter never turns his back. ticking and tocking, while his sway back is rocking. scary bitches from outer space, with their strange children. there's a possibility he is not your child. what strange creature, he doesn't look like you, he doesn't look like me. when i mention sex, you turn and run, that's why i had to sleep around. i slept with your father, i slept with your brother, once or twice i slept with your mother. there has to be a father, it could be you, perhaps half of the creature's at the local zoo. i slept with your father, i slept with your brother, once or twice i slept with your mother.
a spectre is haunting my mind, mad, a distant kind of love. on and on and on and on. still, at the sigh, true, true, cracked young lover's. young lover's screw on the shore, screw all around them. why do i bother, even bother talking to automatons? why do i even bother going on, and on, and on? is it true? uh, uh, uh, uhhh, oh, oh, ohhh. whew, whew, whewwwww, whew. every new dead ghost is changing all the time. funny how they are pushing this world down. history is replaced again, the final designer. money is pushing this world down. why do i even bother talking to automatons? i know a song that we can sing. here we go ,it's the same old story, i know a song that we can sing. plastic vision, i think of all the money that we can make, when we sell our plastic vision. kneel down and kiss the ground, open your eyes. stand up, chained up slave, i love the shadow of your flesh. i throw trinkets into the sea, as my tiny heart tears apart.
i like the slump as the needle jumps, the basement bumps. i need a chance to catch my breath, look at my face, it's such a mess. another slump, another slump, all of the sick obsessions. something overwhelming, i am turning away from facing you. we've all got obsessions, you never told me what it was that made you strong, what it was that made you weak. i want to raise every nasty thought that bugs me everyday of every week. we've got obsessions. last night's love affair is looking vulnerable again. she told me not to step on the cracks. pretty little thing, now she sleeps with one eye open, but that's the price she'll pay. i slipped in and cut out her heart, took it home and watched it fade. get your filthy finger out of my pie, i'll cut your one eye out for making me cry. that's why you sleep with one eye open. girl with one eye, i'll cut your little heart out for making me cry. i said, get your filthy finger out of my pie. i slip my hand under her skirt, just be still it won't hurt. better not try, you'll find a nightmare waiting.
you make it worse, never better, manipulating woman. you must be used to the pain. pushing me down to get yourself up. you're so completely twisted, but here i am still stuck with you. you're so completely evil, there is nowhere i'd rather be. you must be used to the pain. been there done that, i won't let you in again, i'm burning bridges. i'll never let you sweep me off my feet. this time baby, maybe i'll be burning proof. i'm much too proud, there's some things better left unsaid. jump down, don't turn around, this time maybe...i'll be bulletproof. i will always take off my bulletproof vest for you. remember me before we began.
copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

last night

it wasn't the last night i would spend here, it was just the first of many night's that would be spent here. where is here? here is a lost location in time, lost set's of car keys, lost romances, lost lives' lived on the run, lost memories all rounded up and kept, in this one location, an undisclosed location. i had been here many time's before, but i never knew when i was going or when i was coming from this particular locale. in an instant, there i would be, at this intersection, this crossroad, alone. i would stand staring as if the sun were but a foot from my face, etching white hot orbs into my retinas. unblinking silence enfolds me, wraps my flesh in an undulating rapidity of patterns, flashing, strobing, throbbing. these visions come and go so quickly, my brain has just enough time to record their entry, but not enough time to store the data streaming through my cortex. virtually untraceable are these nano snapped shots framed in liquid solitude, floating, hovering, whispering their imprints. i blink, another snapshot frozen in an imperceptible coagulation of synapses. how can this light burn through the darkness of night? illuminated black neon holes transform themselves, as they belch out what has been swallowed whole. fragments of pixelated terror's encircle my mind's eye, balled up into one terrifyingly slow, shallow breath. exhale madness.

long, slender, bony fingers begin clawing their way into the corner's of my eyelids, making tiny, ragged scratches across my corneas. these razor like talons tear through the crusty mucous now congealed where tears'  flowed so freely, dried blood stains my cheeks. my tongue searches past my lips to taste, to moisten, to lick my ravaged eyes. one eye located on one face, the other, the opposing face. two faces, each with their own view, looking, seeking, searching. flickers of images transpose information imprinted upon individual surfaces, one sees the darkness, one searches for the light, they meet in the middle with shades of gray. the darkness is what has been left in the past, only to be dredged up like liquified sludge, made up of so many places, memories loved and forgotten faces. turn to the light before the dawn must take flight, if i could go with it, i could make everything right, right all the wrong's and misgiving's brought on. i can't undo what has already been done, i can't unsing the language i sung. huh? oh my, the damage i've done, unforgiving receiver, what can i do to make you a believer?

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

say

she stroked my thigh with a black studded hand,

pushing against resistance, futile.

give a little bit of your heart

and i will tell you what you need.

i am the spearhead,

i am the war dog.

heat rolls down the asphalt paved remains

what remains, deep down inside.

say can you feel it?

i burn, i break, the time has come.

crushed under the weight of wet remains,

i am the primer.

i am the spear head.

i am the war dog.

said can you feel it?

deep down inside, cut to ribbons flesh torn aside.

 gristle digested, fornicated, untested.

cunt licked tubular ingestion,

what you have become is a prized possession.

consumed by consumption of undigested meat,

trampled to death by throngs of running feet.

turn your outside's in, return your inside's out

 into the cold dark of night.

say can you feel it?

i am the spearhead.

i am the war dog.

 eyes sewn open, cunt sewn shut,

the curtain reveals what the soul now bleeds.

blown into dust by the betrayal of your disease.

lubricate the miasma that is your brain,

suicidal love songs are borne out of the fleshly remains.

disintegrating after birth

the tertiary fantastic horror

impaled on the aftermath of cosmic storms,

disemboweled dogs lick at their wounds.

i am the sun.

i am the spearhead.

i am the war dog.

said can you hear it?

last vestiges of love's lost remains.

 bifurcated decimation

for there will be no resurrection.

hell is the home you now reside.

burnt out retinas, hollowed out skies.

continuously callously stroking my thighs,

 pangs of destruction cries mournful sighs,

your eardrums are ruptured, your repetition now

structured.

say can you hear it?

copyright, terri l. gillentine, 2009, all rights reserved

spittle and prittle

terrorists smoking Pall Malls while bouncing on a Camel

smoke bombs set off throughout the concourse, inside the glass,

of a giant's great and wondrous food hall.

bodies begin their spinning on the spit, drooled flame-less,

rotisserie speared entrails dripping, fatty intestines gutless wrenching.

hair shorn cut cropped, picture-in-picture,

framed.

see, seeing, sought to answer, to avoid the unforeseeable future

bear witness to the spectacle of the unknown. prittle, prattle,

the beast must be fed, hand me down your sicle, pass me over

your saw. see what you're doing?  your flesh about to thaw.

the gaping, mawing machine of time, ticking, tocking,

sea whores rocking. swaying to the rhythm of the cooking drum.

 cock rocks, penis shock, stood rock proud, everybody step

into the light. you will not escape.

prepare yourself, repair yourself, here she comes,

ready, ready, into the cage.

the bottomless feedbag of time.

raise your hands to the sky.

anxiously, anxiously, the whirling dervish, rising like leaven

the pearly gates are closed.

no one dare enter and no one does repent.

afterlife a falsehood created opium dream,

poppy colored splendor ashes burnt bones remains.

 the marrow has been rendered from you tender youth.

forgotten truth's unremembered, lies well fornicated.

we slaughter the natives, prepare them for the crematorium,

 since time began into immemorium.

the judge's sit there judging the watcher's keep on watching

you know your time is coming, empty out your bowels.

circumcision unflinching twinkling eyes, pour out

your embers of love's lost last remains.

burnt beyond recognition no taste remains

hole, carved out, left starving, your blood

line bleeds refrain.

arteries sliced open, viscera spews smoke stacks

belching toe taps run prancing.

dancing cerebellum churning, bodies exhausted inhaled,

speared through aorta heart valve open,

closed.

satiated

  fevered scarlet blood reigns pulled tight,

frothing wildly madly delirium.

 sets in.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine ,all rights reserved

hanging on a dying branch

what fears have laid hidden cut clean through

my eyes blurry weary unseeing lost site

decay festers in underground land mine

bombed out blood drips red vines

little monsters pick axes dark forces

flesh tingles skin spittle mingles

deserted tribes rip torn burnt stake drips

eyes plucked scrotum sucked fetal wounds

vacuum hosed stars collide tan my hide

hung to dry tears i no longer cry

sockets gleam

battles cries screaming in the dark

synaptic collision full of derision

desiring machine burning pincers

meat rubbed raw carrion claws

 rolling thunder electric flash of light

darkness takes rapes the night

tenderizing nubile beauty 50 slashes

gallows cry out faggot played out

release none in sight

corneal ignition noxious fumes

roadside tavern wenches imprisoned

slave mind vision mind's eye

blinking curses inflame

death embrace welcome's all new comer's

bodies washed ashore deliver me

home

neuron dream psychotic nightmare

lived day after day

hours stroll slowly holding court

love abort

strangled garbled estimated

time of arrival waves crashing

seas shells smashing faceless

demon's yawning

bored with revenge tinged with empathetic

desire's freedom lost babe's unborn

flushed pipe serpentine dumpster

snakes worms crawls under the surface

landmines' erasure landfill emptied

erased controlled deleted

detritus void

insatiable cricket's chatter

you are late

apocalyptic shredder machine chatter

operatic epidural necromancing spiders

eight horned goddess burns

babylon is dead

diamond gemstone tribute

hyperbolic illness enstated

no more room at the inn ewe

slaughtered haunt's aortic replacement

debasement lies still untouched

effacement

dermatological madness botox disaster

forever unknown wasteland

conflagration assessed routine

rewind pant's undone

torn skinned escaped

kidney removed on ice

grave stone granted

temple housed tunneled goddess

mother father

silent wings beating heart beats

stinging jelly fish swell

eyelash twinkles butterflied pinned

to a board on display

search database no storage found

memories pray for return

shift capitals locked

alternate deletion tab future raped

highways information data stream

god is dead undead never born

female whore cast out kicked about

jaguar stalking moon men walking

hallowed air oxygen enriched

charcoal eye liner co2 burning

wolf pack hunts they eat their young

teeth gnashing tongues whip curl gash

curdled churning bloodied stumps

bodies dangling nearby trees

branching outward skyward inward backward

swarming locusts pestilence carried

networked unharried

you are so non-existent

starvation diet size 12

phobic heterosexual intoxication

neoprene swathed septic

anti chloroformed remains

nostrils flared stench.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

coming off

it has been about two weeks now without any form of prescription drugs. two weeks of pure and unadulterated hell. slipping in and out of myself, whatever myself has become. doctor wanted to change my form of pain relief to morphine patch or some other form of mind numbing, body numbing, soul numbing combination of her choice. i said, "no," she said, "find another doctor."  so compassionate, so caring, such a doctator. i do not know which is worse, the withdrawal from my medications prescribed for 2 herniated discs or the pain experienced from not having the relief of medication. the positive side effect is a clarity returning to my life, should i send her a thank you note for her lack of empathy? i thought a patient/doctor relationship was one based on agreements of how to proceed with care. got that one wrong. the nausea, the headaches, the sweating, the chills, the body aches, the sleeplessness, the restlessness, all compounded into one endless day. it will end, after nine years of the same thing, it has to end somewhere. awakening is surfacing like a long lost friend. the road is a long road, but the journey is the destination. i can't go back, i can't go forward. that means i am in the present. i haven't felt this present in a very long time. disconcerting and confusing how i got here, but here is where i am.

dungeon dreams

i have dreamt of the dungeon and relived the scene, over and over in my aching head.  my first time was in s.f. and my owner was giving me to her old owner as a gift, of sorts.  i was to impress her with my ability to take whatever was coming, i could do that, i was a pain-pig. bottoming was a new challenge, but not a new desire. 

lol had become

mutation testifies to the mark that randomness leaves upon presence.  that random act of lol exposing her external code had began to effect her genetic code, this intervention changed the material form in which she would manifest herself into the world.  her mutation is now associated with the displacement of presence/absence by pattern/randomness. lol slipped into herself,  the mainline of the data stream, as if some cartesian rhythm intersected and crossed over on itself.  what she hadn't realized broke through her semi-consciousness, she had rewritten her bodily code by exposing more "o's."  rather than lol, she had become looooollool.  it was becoming impossible to distinguish meaningfully between the biological organism she was and the informational circuit into which she was becoming enmeshed.  the generative coupling of linguistics and sexuality began flickering, signifying a troubling coupling of language and machine. 

copyright,2009,terri l. gillentine,all rights reserved

odin

i know that i hung on the windswept tree
for nine days and nine nights,
stuck with a spear,
bloodied for odin.
myself an offering to myself,
bound to that tree
whose roots no one knows where they go.
no one ever gave me bread,
no one gave me drink.
down into the depths i looked
to take up the runes.
screaming, i fell back from
that place.

her name was lol

she told me her name was lol, i did not remember asking or caring what her name was.  too much information as far as i was concerned, i told her just as much.  everything is the same, at the same time nothing is any different.  she talked for a little while longer with not anything ever being said. "how can that happen," i asked myself.  her mouth was moving, but nothing was coming out.  her perfect red tinted lips made into an oblong "o" reminding me of her name.  i could say her name without ever pronouncing it.  the "o" felt good on my mouth, since there was no pursing of the lips, only a formation of the sound and the taste of my lips on my tongue.  "i am a visual learner, a visual communicator," lol pronounced, with that, lol showed me how she learned what her name meant.  before i knew it, she had removed her designer jeans (she wasn't wearing any underwear) and outstretched both arms to either side of her head, her mouth gaped open.  "this is what it means to be me," lol sighed.  lol threw herself back, onto her backside, she lay motionless for several moments.  Abruptly, lol flung her legs into the air and brought her knees to her chest while spreading them open as wide as possible.  "this is how you see my name through my eyes," lol exclaimed as she spread her ass cheeks wide.  "x marks the spot, from whatever point i intersect and cross myself," lol shrieked and pulled out clumps of her beautifully braided hair.  there were twisted pieces of braids crossing over themselves on the duvet.  "I can never be filled up, only emptied and refilled," lol gasped for air.  the air had become thick with the perfume of lol's perfectly shaped "o's" located in the nether regions of her sex.  she did not want to remember the emptiness, but relive the fullness of each interaction that took place during the filling; the doing, the working, the satisfying.  the emptiness of her name reclaimed the richness of her absence. 

copyright,2009, terri l. gillentine,all rights reserved

caper cat

In the
Terrifying Tale
Of the
Tacky Tick

Not for the squeamish, our tale.
Begins with a terrifying tacky tick.
A tick with such poor taste in clothing
An manners, that it was a virtual
Outcast in the Carpet Colony, the small
Planned Community into which our
Hapless Hero was born.

The Terrifyingly Tacky Tick was a social
Misfit from the start of his small pathetic
Life. While other ticks dreamed of traveling
Away to far off wondrous places on the backs
O peacocks, otters, and dapper dachshunds,
The Terrifyingly Tacky Tick seemed destined
For failure.

For those who toiled in the Carpet Colony,
The inability of the Tacky Tick to imagine a
Life beyond The Shag left him with nothing
But contempt. The Tacky Tick, in his loneliness,
Turned to the companionship of dust mites,
Fleas, and evolved strains of bacteria.

It is from these Lesser Dwellers among
The Shag that the Tacky Tick first learned
The regretful errors of Reckless Tackiness.
The Lesser Dwellers were shunned by the
Carpet Colony for their virtual inability to
Accessorize.

Meanwhile, in the Carpet Colony, all was
Not well. Happily playing amongst the
Stench of urine, how could 17 generations
Of ticks have known that the Shaggy
Wonderland that they called home was
Slated for re-development? Without warning,
Their care-free-rent-control environment
Was ripped out from under them in one mad
Chaotic afternoon of Urban Renewal.

Cloudy pillows of dust mites were tossed
To the four corners of the world, families
Of fleas searched in vain for hosts to carry
Them away from the apocalyptic destruction,
And the descendants of 17 generations of ticks
Kissed their loved ones good-bye as the night
Closed on their childhood dreams.

Our Hapless Hero, the Terrifyingly Tacky Tick,
Returned to the devastation from his trip to
Waltick's. The ticks were wailing their death
Cries, the Lesser Dwellers had all but vanished
In the Dust Mite Air, and, clutching his package
Filled with Plastics from Hong Kong, and nail polish
In Glitter Chrome and Gunmetal Blue, clung to the
Work boot he spied leaving the scene.

Caper Cat, returning home, once again,
Drunk and lustful from a pool-playing
Shot-drinking binge hesitated for only
A moment before pulling the cordless
Phone from its cradle. The slick sexy
Crime-solving PI made a call that would,
Before the night was through, save one
Life, and destroy another.

Within seconds of whispered affections,
A hand brushed over a breast to reveal
The new location of the Terrifyingly Tacky
Tick. Our Hapless Hero, unlike his tormentors,
Had traveled beyond The Shag on a beautiful
Exotic Creature. But he was no match for
Caper Cat, and would have to pay for his
short-lived adventures with his life.

Once Again,
Caper Cat Has
Foiled Her
Opponents And
Saved the Day!

-in remembrance of Oliver, a well-loved companion and friend. Take good
care of a devoted member of our clan. We love you!
October 31, 2009
Shelly Manaster
 

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

the devil whispered

the devil whispered


the devil whispered,

take my hand,

lets fuck 'em first.
no, let's kill 'em.
take the tire iron'
from my hand,
poor piss fucker.
oy yeh, baby fucker.
oi yhea, mericon.
lead me to thestump,
stick out your neck,
i'm feelin' lucky today.
seeketh redemption,
none to be had
take my hand
the devil whispered.

  copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved


he

happy

happy happy hallowed eve; happy birthday, my dear friend, steve happy is the night. brought out, like so many candles. blown away, like so many fallen leaves. burnt up, like so many fleshly desires. burning remains, illuminate the scourge. scour the hour, for your source of power and bring the diseased their fruit. masticated bones, gnawed by the truth. there is no more flesh to be chewed. beaten by so many truths. copyright, terri l. gillentine. 2009

fang song

Fear does not justify itself with a name, descriptive at best, terrifying at least.
What does it inspire? Call into question, demand our full attention, then scream the answer. Fear does not come into the light, but drag us kicking and screaming to go out necromancing at night. Howling and baying. While vying for our attention. Tantrums of rage suppressed under the dying moon. For fear does not enjoy the sunbeams of delight. Troubled fog descends onto the plight of an unfulfilled dream. What does the dreamer do to re-ignite the vision? Return to the peaceful tumult of an endless sleep? Induce the shaman to go back into the night and confront this demon. The battles have been long, hard fought epic struggles. What is to be gained by felling the beast?

Hard fought
Too much thought
Epic dreams overwrought
Tumultuous decisions
Never brought
To the mastecater
The dream eater
my flesh feeder
Pessimistic breeder
Of deceit
Infused by the blood
Drawn.
Portrait staring
Blank eyes wounded
Pound of flesh extruded
Like so many lumps
Of dough
Rey me
Sing me a song
Sung off key
Hum me a hymn
Only understood by me

The song has been sung to call the battalions forth, the call has been heard by the gathering troops. Dressed in the gear that will instill intimidation and fear. Gathered together to commiserate on what will come and be bore through the night. The travails continue on the long and winding path that leads nowhere, not now, not ever. blasts of the horn corner those that might flee from the battle, about to ensue. brave hearts trudge gallantly forward, for vanity of a coward is never to be rewarded. Flags are unfurled, horses are mounted, for now more than ever; stand up and be counted.
Blast the trumpeter who stands on the hill. Her call to arms. Arms that have been severed, then cast asunder, with no one taking the blame. For there is no blame when fear rallies the troops; only anger and stubborn shame.

For fear will not be denied just desserts. It is all the same.


copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

live

never marry
the one
you can live with;
live with
the one
you can't
live without.
i can't live without
you.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved

change

hooked to
a raft
tied to
a moor
anchored to
an island
towed out to
sea by a ship.
pulled into
the wake
dragged onto
the current
locked in
the channel
rocked by
the incoming waves.
blown by
the proverbial winds
tossed by
the indomitable spirit
ripped like
so many sails
caught on
the winds
of change.

copyright, 2009, terri l. gillentine, all rights reserved