it has been about two weeks now without any form of prescription drugs. two weeks of pure and unadulterated hell. slipping in and out of myself, whatever myself has become. doctor wanted to change my form of pain relief to morphine patch or some other form of mind numbing, body numbing, soul numbing combination of her choice. i said, "no," she said, "find another doctor." so compassionate, so caring, such a doctator. i do not know which is worse, the withdrawal from my medications prescribed for 2 herniated discs or the pain experienced from not having the relief of medication. the positive side effect is a clarity returning to my life, should i send her a thank you note for her lack of empathy? i thought a patient/doctor relationship was one based on agreements of how to proceed with care. got that one wrong. the nausea, the headaches, the sweating, the chills, the body aches, the sleeplessness, the restlessness, all compounded into one endless day. it will end, after nine years of the same thing, it has to end somewhere. awakening is surfacing like a long lost friend. the road is a long road, but the journey is the destination. i can't go back, i can't go forward. that means i am in the present. i haven't felt this present in a very long time. disconcerting and confusing how i got here, but here is where i am.
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